Viruses, Trojans and Worms, Oh My

You know, I remember vividly how when Windows XP came out, I didn't like it. I mean, I was gung ho at first, but when I got on a computer running it and gave it the old college try, I thought, "Man, they are going in the wrong direction with this." And so, I clutched my Win98SE to my bosom, and vowed never to let my baby go.
Then they made me upgrade at work. I got to try Windows Movie Maker, which ain't half bad. If you're a mac user, I know you're tearing your hair out right now and screaming "fool! fool! You've never tried the real thing!" Sure, I know. I do. But I'm not dropping two-three grand on a machine for my entertainment, period. If I spend that kind of money, I want to be able to drive it AND live in it if needs be, thank you very much. So where was I?
Oh yeah, I tried XP and after awhile, I kinda got to where I liked it. You know, kind of like the way you get to like cocaine if someone spikes your coffee with it every morning but never tells you. You know? I'm not a big fan of the "cosmetic improvements," but it sure does crash less, and it has some features I like.
Unfortunately, every hacker, virus and trojan writer, and spammer also like XP. In a big, big way. Most of the stuff that comes out nowadays goes sailing right over Win98 and under, but it homes right in on XP and goes to town. I found this out when I got XP at home with my broadband connection. (Oh, and right here, I'd like to take my hat off and say a tearful thank you to Verizon for making broadband not just available but cheap enough for even a lowly peasant such as myself to afford, many are the hosannas I say in their name.) First, I got a trojan, which made some of my most important desktop icons disappear -- apparently forever -- and then screwed with all of my settings. The real kicker is that I only knew that I had the trojan because my AVG software said so. It popped up a scary message that said,
"WARNING! virus backdoor/trojan blah blah found in folder blah blah blah!" It even made an extra scary sound when it gave me the message, just so I'd pay attention. "Run AVG for Windows!" the warning commanded. So, with hands trembling with fear, I did. And what did I get, kids? Why, the old thumbs up! "No viruses were detected during this scan." This, from the same program that told me I had the stupid thing in the first place. Okay, says I, and downloaded about five other programs designed to get rid of trojans. Or so they said. Now I'm starting to think that they're actually more trojan programs, scattered over the Internet for cheapass pennypinchers such as myself to find. Many, many attempts at fixes later: AVG no longer says I have the virus. So, either I got rid of it somehow, or AVG doesn't recognize it at all now. Of course, my icons still haven't come back.
So, I broke down and got better antivirus software. Well, my kids talked their grandparents into buying some, anyway. They spend more time on my computer than I do, so I didn't feel too bad. In fact, I thought this might just be the answer, at least for now. And, as people so often do when they think they have found The Answer, (flourish of trumpets, please!) I found out only too quickly just how wrong I was. My boss got a virus at work, an email one, and it mailed itself to everyone in a flash. It also snagged everyone's email address, and sent itself out again from new email addresses, INCLUDING MINE! Yep, gotta love that. Thanks, Czechoslovakia.
So, it arrived at home looking like it came from me at work, and one of my kids opened it. Bingo, whole new can of worms. AVG went nuts again (WARNING! Virus blah blah detected in yada yada!), but this time it was a bit more helpful -- it pointed to exactly where the virus was, but declined to touch the dirty thing with its delicate digital fingers. I went in, found it, deleted it -- and today, my browser doesn't work at all. I can send/receive email, all right, okay, but no web side of the Internet. Kaphooey.
So, all of my web time is gonna hafta happen at work today. Now, don't you feel bad for me?